Super Mario Brothers
by Question the Majority
Summary: The timeless tale of two eccentric plumbers from the Bronx lost in a madcap adventure to save a wild cartoon world full of moody princesses, evil twins, shrill voiced 'shroomites, and crazy koopas.
1. Housewarming

**Disclaimer: **As you shall see, this is yet another fan's take on the ever-popular Super Mario Bros. mythos. In this story, I shall attempt to combine elements of both the old-school version of the series from the 1980's and the new-school version of today. Among the old-school elements herein will be Mario and Luigi's history of being Italian New Yorkers complete with several jokes about their heritage. These jokes are meant in good-natured fun and should not offend anyone with a forgiving sense of humor. That and I'm part Italian and grew up in New York, so I have the right to be mean if I want to anyway. Nyeah.

Also, I do not own the Super Mario Bros. or their weirdo friends and adversaries; but you already knew that.

**PS:** To help those of you out there who may be confused with the Brothers' speech pattern in this story, they have a heavy Brooklyn accent with slight Italian traces. And yes, many New Yorkers really do talk like that. Like my aunt, for example. -Matt

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**Super Mario Bros.**

A retelling of a modern-day legend by Matt Garner

**Chapter 1**

**Housewarming**

"Welcome to da' new home of-a da' Mario Bros. Plumbing Agency!" Luigi announced with pride evident in his voice as he turned on the lights and extended his left hand into a dingy basement apartment cluttered with eccentric knick-knacks, plumbing tools, and several pipes of diverse sizes jutting out of the walls in an entirely slapdash manner. The light bulbs dangling from the ceiling flickered uncertainly over the disorganized fiasco in direct opposition to the dramatic reveal.

"Oh, wow! Dis place is great!" Daisy chirped happily in her high-pitched, if not somewhat nasal, voice as she bounded into the apartment and investigated the "unusual" décor with wide-eyed fascination.

"Ain't it, though?" Luigi responded, following his girlfriend and grinning sheepishly at the energetic brunette. "I poisonally like all-a da' pipes stickin' outta' da' walls, myself. An' da' landlord says most of 'em only back up once or twice a year!"

Luigi's older brother Mario remained in the doorway with his arms folded over his chubby belly. "Eh, it's a dump," he complained, removing his red newsboy cap with one hand to scratch his head with the other. "I still dunno how I let Luigi talk-a me into rentin' dis-a place!"

"Well, I still say it's great!" Daisy's answer echoed at him from inside the gigantic green pipe she was peeking into. Turning away from it, she faced Mario while folding her arms teasingly to mimic him. "Besides, it's better dan da' last place you guys were livin' in!"

"Says you!" Mario laughed, replacing his cap and thumbing his nose in an equally teasing gesture to his brother's girlfriend. Daisy responded by sticking her tongue out at him and giggling. Luigi's shy grin widened a little more as he chuckled to himself. Leave it to him to have both the most stubborn brother AND girlfriend in New York!

"Okay, youze two," Luigi laughed, "do I gotta' go get da' boxin' gloves out now?"

"Nahhhh…" Pinching the straps of his overalls, Mario puffed out his chest and flashed a smug smile. "Y'know it ain't in my nature ta' hit a lady!"

"Yeah, Shorty's just afraid I'd beat 'im!" Daisy sneered, giving Mario a joke punch in the arm. Giggling, she gave Luigi a quick kiss on the cheek and added "I better be gettin' back ta' woik at da' flower shop, sweetie. I'll come back later!"

As always, Luigi blushed a shade of red almost as bright as his brother's lucky cap and simply waved his own green hat goodbye as Daisy left to return to work. Still chuckling, Mario clapped his little (though taller) brother on the shoulder to bring him back to his senses.

"Dat Daisy's one sweet gal, Weegie."

"Yeah, ain't she, though?"

"So, when you a-gonna' get hitched, huh?"

"MARIO!"

"What!? I'm just askin'!"

"Well, don't! It's embarrassin'!"

"Geeze, whassamatta' for you, Luigi? You gotta' toughen up, kid!"

As Mario began to chide him, Luigi's interest shifted gradually from his big brother's rebuking voice to a muted cry somewhere in the distance.

"Yo, Mario," he interrupted, "You, eh… You-a hear somethin'?"

"Yeah," Mario responded, rolling his deep blue eyes in longsuffering irritation, "Da' sound of-a my voice chastisin' ya' for bein' such a little _bambino_ about a little teasin'!"

Luigi's green eyes rolled in response. "Nah, not dat…" His brow furrowed thoughtfully as he tried to focus on the sound. "Sounds kinda' like-a… Someone screamin'!"

"Dat's Brooklyn, Luigi. It always sounds like-a dat out dere…"

"I'm serious, Mario! It sounds like someone's in trouble or somethin'!" Growing increasingly worried, the green-clad plumber followed the sound toward the large pipe that Daisy had been gazing into previously. "Sounds-a like it's on da' other side o' dis pipe!"

Groaning and stroking his bushy mustache in frustration, Mario sauntered up beside his brother and glanced distrustingly into the emerald green pipe. "Prob'ly just steam or, uh, runnin' water or sumthin'…" He shrugged and looked up into Luigi's distressingly serious face. Grabbing hold of Luigi's overalls, Mario tugged his brother down to look him in the eyes. "Now, hold on just a minute dere, Superman! You ain't thinkin' of-a goin' in dere, are ya'?"

"Couldn't hoit…" Luigi answered with a dismissive shrug.

"Oh, heck yeah, it could!" Letting go of Luigi's overalls (resulting in a recoil effect that snapped Luigi over onto his back), Mario turned his back to his brother and raised his hands into the air as if pleading with Heaven above. "Geeze, Luigi! I jus' don't get ya' sometimes! You're all shy an' embarrassed ta' show-a yer face to our own customers half da' time, an' now suddenly you t'ink-a yer gonna' play da' hero an' run to da' rescue o' some rusty ol' water main!" Clasping his hands together, he actually did address Heaven at this point. "Lord, you know I ain't a bad guy… So what'd I do ta' hafta' get a crazy brudda' like-a dis, huh?" With that, he turned back around just in time to see Luigi's work boots disappearing into the large drain pipe.

"Ah, geeze, here we go again…" Mario sighed, removing his cap and rubbing his forehead. "Luigi wants ta' play superhero an' Mario has ta' save his keister! Just like-a dat time wit' da' gorilla on Main Street!" Replacing his hat, the chubby plumber shrugged in defeat and hoisted himself upward into the pipe, calling out sarcastically "Da' Super Mario Bros. to da' rescue!"


	2. Wonderland, This Ain't!

**Super Mario Bros.**

by Matt Garner

**Chapter 2**

**Wonderland, This Ain't!**

Mario huffed and puffed as he clambered through the pipe in pursuit of Luigi. Though it was certainly large enough for a grown man to climb in and out of safely, the passageway felt considerably snug for Mario, who sulked bitterly to himself about his somewhat thinner brother's ease in scampering through the tube.

"All right, Luigi!" he called down the tunnel toward his kid brother, "You've had-a yer fun! Now get back here before ya' get stuck!"

"Nothin' doin'!" Luigi shouted back. "Don't tell me you didn't-a hear alla' dat carryin' on just a few minutes ago! I'm a-tellin' you, someone's in trouble out dere!"

"An' I'M tellin' YOU," Mario bellowed without regard for the echo added to his voice within the metal pipe, "Dat all you heard was da' squealin' an' hissin' o' some-a doggoned gas leak! Now get back here so we can close off dis stupid pipe before dat gas gives you even-a worse brain damage dan you got NOW!"

Unheeding Mario's cries, Luigi finished his trek through the pipe and soon called back to the elder plumber with a voice full of disbelief. "Holy minestrone! Mario, you gotta' see dis!"

"You'll be seein' da' back o' my hand…" Mario snarled while scurrying toward the end of the tunnel. Finally reaching the exit, he clamped his hands tightly around the lip of the pipe and pulled himself out, immediately receiving a stomach-churning sensation of vertigo. He was absolutely positive that he was crawling straight forward on a flat plane just a moment ago, but now suddenly he was pulling himself upward as though he'd been climbing straight up the entire time! Once the horrible feelings of nausea had subsided, the plumber forced his eyes open to see not the dingy streets of Brooklyn, New York, but instead an idyllic cartoon-like world of vibrant colors, friendly-looking little mushroom-shaped buildings, and a huge white castle that looked like something out of a Disney feature.

"… Dat's-a one heck of a gas leak!" Mario rasped breathlessly.

Without warning, a great burst of flame shot up from the little mushroom village, setting nearly all of the quaint little homes on fire. "WHOA!" Luigi shouted, "Looks like Papa Smurf tried bakin' a potato in-a da' microwave!"

"An' dere's Papa Smurf now!" Mario added as a little white-mustachioed old man dressed in a rich blue coat and a mushroom cap ran panicking from the burning village, spluttering a string of half-finished statements like "Oh dear! Oh my! Oh goodness! Oh bother!"

Having gained some distance from himself and the inferno, the little man shook an ornately-carved walking stick toward the village and hooted angrily "I say! Blast you meddlesome scallywags! Haven't you the slightest decency or regard for innocent lives? A pox upon you and your nefarious kind!"

"Hey!" Mario huffed, his sense of justice now riled up into a froth of righteous indignation. Hoisting himself out of the pipe, he marched purposefully, mustache bristling, toward the little man. "Dat's-a some pretty harsh words for-a da' Smurfs!"

"M-maybe he's got a good reason, Mario!" Luigi gasped, scampering after his brother, his mustache drooping and nerves failing on him now that there truly was some danger afoot. "M-m-maybe Grouchy Smurf punched 'im in-a da' nose or somethin'!"

"HEY, PEE-WEE!" Mario demanded, stomping down in front of the elderly mushroom man, "What's goin' on here!?"

Rather than seeming threatened, however, the little man seemed overjoyed! His eyes lit up from behind his spectacles and he clapped his hands together excitedly, squeaking "Oh, joyous day! You must be here to help fight off the dastardly Koopa Troops that have laid waste to our glorious Toadstool Town!"

"Uh… S-sure…" Mario stammered, "So, you didn't do dat?" He turned his gaze toward the flaming village, raising his eyebrows as a group of strange figures began to approach them from the mayhem.

"I knew he was a good guy!" Luigi mused, curling his mustache with one finger. "You oughtta' know more'n anybody dat a well-groomed 'stache like dat can only belong to an upstandin' fellah, Mario!"

"Hoh hoh! INDEED!" responded the little man, curling his own mustache and greeting the oncoming figures with a steely look in his eyes. "WHAT HO!" he shouted, startling the two brothers, as the figures were now close enough to be seen as… a troupe of armor-clad turtles.

"Mario…?" Luigi muttered to his brother over the little man's head. "Do you see dat…?"

"I sees it, Luigi…" Mario answered with a vacant-eyed nod, "I sees it. But I don't believes it!"

The little mushroom man, meanwhile, was well into a threatening tirade aimed at the turtles of war. "Hah hah! I say! What ho and jolly good, you brash ruffians! I say, your numbers are up now! Perhaps a feeble old fool like myself may be of no use to ward off your villainy, but these strapping young gents shall see to it that your reign of terror comes to an end! Say hello to your worst nightmares, eh…"

He halted momentarily and glanced back at Luigi. "Eh… Goodness, now. I don't believe I know your names…"

"We're da' Mario Brothers, an' plumbin's our game!" Luigi responded instantaneously, quoting their low-budget cable access television advertisement.

"Yes, of course. Behold, the Mario Brothers! And know fear!" the little man concluded, grinning eerily and wriggling his fingers before him as though telling some campfire ghost story.

A moment of silence passed as the gang of armored turtles gazed blankly at the Mario Bros., the Mario Bros. gazed blankly at the turtles, and the little man chortled to himself with vindicated satisfaction. The turtles then began to talk amongst themselves for a few moments. Finally, the turtle in the lead, a dull-voiced chap with a black shell, addressed Mario.

"So, you two shlubs think you can take us down, huh?"

"Actually, I—"

A wooden mallet to the head immediately silenced Mario's rebuttal and knocked him flat onto his face.

"Hey! Dat's-a my big brudda' you—"

Another clunk on the head and Luigi flopped limply to the ground with stars twinkling before his bleary green eyes.

"Now, now!" the little man chuckled jovially, his face blushing bright as the turtles leered at him, "There's no need for harsh feelings! Here, allow me to do the honors!"

That said, he promptly removed the large floppy mushroom cap, clonked himself over the head with the walking stick, and fell to the ground as well.

The troupe of turtles gazed blankly at the unconscious trio for a bit longer until the lead shook his head, hissed an exasperated "…_Shroomites_…" and led his charges toward home.


End file.
